I can absolutely understand that there is potentially no greater heartbreak to a perspective adoptive family than having an adoption opportunity not result in a child being placed with the family. Adoption is hard. Adoption is messy. Adoption is vulnerable. There are so many steps. So many times of hurry up and then waiting. There is a goal you can see, a goal you can feel with every fiber of your being, one that you would do anything to will in fruition.

That heartbreak of emotions is something so many can get behind and grieve that loss for a hopeful family. However, when we focus on a “failed adoption,” in the sense of a mother ultimately choosing to parent her child, we are focusing on the perspective adoptive family and not the monumentous decision a mother has made. I have had countless mothers apologize to me for “wasting my time” because they ultimately decided to parent. As hard as it is to learn you’re not going to become a mother through adoption, I also cannot imagine the sense of feeling the need to apologize to someone for choosing to raise your child. That shouldn’t be considered a failure- regardless of the situation. Motherhood is not failure.

I’m not saying it’s not ok to grieve what could have been, and that that sadness is not natural. I also feel for these families, knowing they are hurting, but I can’t bring myself to call it a failure. Every part of adoption is so bittersweet, from a mother grieving the loss of her child while a family rejoices the completion of their family, to a family realizing their journey is not quite finished as a mother makes a decision that she feels confident in. Each circumstance results in heartbreak for someone- so, from my point of view, we shouldn’t consider one of a mother’s choices a success and the other one a failure. Instead, I pray we can all learn to view any decision relating to an adoption from all sides, recognizing the beauty and pain in either choice.

-Lauren, LMSW